Lots of things happened yesterday. First of all a good friend of mine suffered a loss. A horrible loss that just rocks you to the core in the amount of feelings you have as a result. Losing one's spouse or the equivalent is the worst thing that I have ever experienced in my short time here on this planet. As I am thinking of her and what her world looks like now, I came across this post from my friend AMK's newsfeed from a woman named Sheryl (does she work for Facebook?). I could not believe that this woman was one of those people that could articulate how I feel and how awful this whole process is for someone.
It is so hard to read how someone wants to grieve, it is hard to know what to say to someone who has experienced loss. But those of us who are grieving have a responsibility to tell those of us in our support system how we want to grieve. Sensitivities have a role but they should not dominate this process. If I do not want one more person to ask me how relieved that I am that I will get to see him again in heaven one day, then that is my right. Now I am not advocating to be rude to those people that say those things when they meet you or are not in the "circle." But those that are in your support system need to hear those things, your co-workers need to hear those things, people that care about you need to know what you need. They will be grateful-trust me. They do not know what to say or do anymore than you would before you suffered this tragedy.
We as a society need to learn the tactful way to express how we feel. We need to learn to ask for things we need, we need to gently remind folks that it is ok for us to sound like a broken record. We should feel comfortable talking about our loves and remembering all the special things about them. It is not sad. It might bring tears and it might feel sad-but it is good.
"Time heals all wounds" is another one of those sayings that maybe one day I will feel differently about- but now it irks me. This is not a wound, death is a change, death is a permanent alteration of life. Death changes everything. It changes how time will progress from that moment forward. As time passes things will continue to change and adapt as years pass. But that is expected change, anticipated change. Death is a change that will never change. At one point I had no idea what the future held but I knew who would be by my side and who would be my partner, my love, for the rest of that future. In one accident that changed time, it forever altered my future.
All of these things really got me to thinking about how inspired I was to write my thoughts down after Ferdinand died. I wanted to write a book that was designed to be a resource for people who lose their partner when they are not legally married. That adds a whole level to the grief, especially if you are a control seeking and needing person. Maybe it is time I actually start to write that book.
