I am a Mess....Literally

I often spill things, on myself, my desk, my new khaki pants...everywhere. But nothing compares to when I am supposed to look nice. I think the words "business casual" trigger something in my brain that makes me more of a mess. Let's start with my trip here. I am driving to a luxury hotel/conference center- a lot of money is put into these places and they are clean and nice. I order a brown cola beverage to get through the last couple hours on the road. I take a drink-about an ounce of that liquid drips onto the boob shelf. I pause, inspect the lid and straw apparatus to be sure I expertly connected the two to the cup and discover all seems normal. I take the lid off and reseal just to be safe. Again, I attempt to drink. Oh- was I proven a fool. Again it spilled! 

So when I arrive at the hotel I am standing in the check in line with men in tailored suits, women with Coach, Louis, and Gucci, and more diamonds than one can shake a stick at. Thankfully it was raining cats and dogs, and I did not valet like these other dry humans, so I looked like a drowned rat anyway. Sometimes I wonder if I started to care what people around me or in the immediate vicinity thought if I would be crippled with anxiety...

Fast forward to the next morning when I treated myself to a terribly overpriced spa experience. I grab a coffee. I drink coffee EVERYDAY. I must be good at it by now right? Nope. A white cardigan was supposed to make me appear tanner, healthier, maybe even appear to have a glow in the natural light pouring into the hotel. Well what does it say when you have three, not two, spots of coffee that dripped out of the invisible hole in your lip! And that boob shelf strikes again-now with a nice and very noticiable spot. So I walk into the spa where everyone has great hair and looks wonderful and I just smile-I know, I know-I am a mess :)

You thought this story was over didn't you? Oh no. Let's have breakfast. My favorite kind of breakfast- all you can eat. My kind of meal. I have to wear one of those name tags to get access to all the conference stuff so of course I am wearing it. I sit down and get settled in, elbows angled, to enjoy me some southern breakfast. When my name tag with that damn "Alumni" ribbon that I was so proud to adorn the tag with, runs right through my scrambled egg. Sort of just gracing the top layer of the eggs like a dry paintbrush blending some colors together at the instruction of Bob Ross. I look up-a woman across the table noticed and does the polite look down at her napkin situation as to save me the embarrassment. I have days left with this nametag so I have lovingly nicknamed myself scrambles because I am sure I smell like it. 

Today I braved khakis instead of the regular black of the wardrobe. Let's see if I can avoid spillage. Fingers crossed!

May 23

As I did not do so well posting each day this month, I will post about the 23rd. Friday the 22nd was eventful in getting students checked into their summer housing assignment and getting things ready to leave for a week. So once Saturday rolled around I was ready for a whole lot of nothing. After I packed the car and the cooler for the camping trip, I got on the road for my 8 hour trip to the Mitten. 

Eight hours in the car is a lot of hours to think. I am an overthinker by nature so eight hours alone with myself is the time to put that overthinking into overdrive. When you read that can you please put the emphasis on the "over" parts of those words? Because as the author, that is how I intended it. 

I spent some time thinking about how different my life is three years later. Three years after the accident that changed the course of my future, changed things that the planner in me planned out for the next 15 or 20 years. Changing those plans before they even happen is hard! In the past year I have been told by my counselor that I am "ok" and that maybe regular appointments are not necessary anymore. That was quite the blow. How does one determine that they are ok? Is there a grief meter that gives one the a-ok to start living "pre-accident?" The short answer: No. There is no going back to pre-anything. There is just the now and everything before does and should affect the now. 

There is one thing I know for sure, and that is that I will never be the same. I think differently now, I feel differently, I even love differently. I thought that I would never fall in love again, I would never have that feeling where one is completely vulnerable to another person. I did not expect to try so hard to find that feeling either. I craved it. I learned I craved touch. I wanted hugs, kisses, foot massages, eskimo kisses (I am sure that is offensive but I cannot think of a PC way to describe it), you know, that intimacy stuff. I opened the door to other companions, I tried to open myself to others. I fell in love once in there. I fell hard too. I went in whole hog and really enjoyed it. For the first time (well since that other first time) I could picture myself old and gray with someone else. Someone else's happiness was just as important as mine, for the sake of this post let's call him Biff. Well wouldn't you know, that was not without challenge and that experience had so many emotional roller coasters. I have not ended that journey. Biff is not in the co-captain chair on this crazy ride with me. But I sure did learn a lot about myself with Biff. I learned not to give up on that love stuff. It might happen for me again, it might happen in a way that knocks my socks off again. Scratch that, it will happen again, I just have to be open to the possibility. Shit, it could happen with Biff, or Tom, Dick, or Harry. 

I wish I had a wordle or word cloud of all the words I have used in this blog. I think PERSPECTIVE  would be the biggest word in my cloud (or STAFF as I am often really proud of those buggers). I feel like my mind has been opened and my eyes have been shocked to see things in a totally different way. I choose to be happy. And that is h.a.r.d. For real that is hard. Every morning I have to make the choice to be happy, and choose my attitude to start my day (thanks to the Fish Philosophy). Some days it does not work. Some days I want to sleep until the day has passed and try again. Some days I let myself do that, some days I fake it. Some days I am truly happy. Three years later and I still don't think "time makes things better" or "you'll see him again someday." Three years later things are just different. I still think of him every day. I still wish he were here. I still spend the first couple seconds of consciousness thinking that it was all a nightmare and he will be right next to me. But now I stop and force myself to think of the things that make me happy and I spend my day focusing on things that make me happy. I recite that mantra I tend to use quite often: I am thankful to be gainfuly employed, I have health insurance in case I get sick. I know my car will start and there is food in my kitchen. I have clean water and hot water. I live in a country where some civil rights are guaranteed. My house has heat and I have the love and support of other humans should I reach out and grab it. I am very lucky. I have to make the choice, but I do choose to be happy. 

The Great Outdoors

I recently went camping...in my backyard. Did you miss that post? Read it. Then come back here. We will wait. 

Welcome back. Well that back yard camping was an adventure in itself. It was super windy and despite George Graphos telling me that it would not rain...it rained. Thank goodness for nature calling to bring me to my senses and back inside to my warm bed. The next day as I waited for the tent to dry, I got the rest of my gear together for camping over Memorial Day. After 20 trips from the basement to the garage I finally had everything I needed:

• headlamp
• Freshette 
• sleeping equipment for myself and my mom
• cooking over the fire gear
• extra batteries for things
• fishing essentials
• camping chair with name stenciled on lovingly by staff members

Well fast foward to the actual trip. You know when you can do something perfectly when no one is watching but as soon as you have an audience you struggle to perform? Well that was me with the tent. All by myself in the backyard things went without a hitch- with my brother drinking a miller lite and judging me-I missed putting poles in, could not get the thing to stand up, set it up on an incline...sigh. I am the girl in the family. They think I am fancy and hate dirt and germs. Well dang it! I love dirt (in measured doses with soap and water nearby) and I can camp, fish and start fires with the best of them. I am one of those people that if I am going to do something, I am going to do it well. I will learn the right way to do it before I have to ask some dang man for help in doing it. So the tent pre-camp set up was also a reeducation in how to use my tent, it has been about three years since I have set it up. I did not want to be a fool in front of my brother. 

Anyway after the tent was up, the car air pump had inflated the mattresses and things were ready- my brother dared me to start a fire without an accelerant. I laughed at him. I start fires at my home in the driveway on a surface that is not flammable with a bucket of emergency water nearby almost weekly in the fall, spring and summer. He apparently always uses gas or some other flammable  liquid to start his fires and then cooks marshmallows over it consuming all of those nasties. Ewww. My mother had already gathered an appropriate amount of kindling on her walk when she first arrived at the site, so I needed the leaves or pine needles to use with the logs. I built my fire-starting pile with lots of air pockets, places to make sure the small twigs caught on fire and stayed lit, and with the logs. I lit that sucker and voila! Fire started and sustained through out the evening. 

After that first night my brother said he was proud of me for knowing how to do these things and I suppose, proving him wrong. I accepted that compliment because I think he meant it as such. Since I do not see them very often, I suppose it is acceptable for them to not know that I am the shit, the bee's knees, a bit of an overachiever. But maybe now he will believe me when I call and tell him of my accomplishments out here in the frozen tundra. Maybe. 

Flashbacks....

I know, I know. I am a terrible blogger. How many times should I say that in blog posts? Today I met and became best friends with Dominque Dawes (from the third row center) and as Dom would say- I can make excuses all day long but at the end of the day I am only putting in about 50% to this blog so I can only really expect to get 50% out of it eh? Jenzabar never fails to amaze me with the time and effort they put into these meetings, today I got to hear one of the Magnificent Seven, some of the best gymnasts of my lifetime so far, talk about team Gold in Atlanta and her personal fall on the floor exercise. Dominique was wonderful- she was inspiring and spoke on one of my favorite topics, perspective. While I am satisified with my life dose of perspective thus far, it is nice to hear others say what I am thinking. But much more elequently. For real, she was wonderful and so beautiful. 

Well friends I am having a flashback to two years ago when this blog was new and I was also on my Grand Adventure around Florida after experiencing my first Jenzabar JAM. That was the begining of my journey as a BRAND NEW smart phone owner as well. Today I am broadcasting live from another Gaylord BioDome. This one in the heart of country music- Nashville. I have been here before, about ten years ago, and I think a lot has changed. But to be honest- I cannot remember last week, let alone ten years ago. If you see me ask me about the cordless phone incident of 2005 and I will tell you that story. 

Anyway this hotel also boasts the best of the outdoors, but indoors. I have currently found my cheapest drink- $7.00 for a beer and some pizza. I left the fancy hors d'ouvres in the Delta Ballroom in favor of Jill's favorite, cheese pizza. I was missing the gang a little bit today as we are soon divided so I am having cheese pizza in their honor. I have made quite a mess of myself today too- coffee on the while cardigan this morning, spilled fries and water at a buffet line and almost dropped this newly purchased beer to the floor! But I made a miraculous save and am content to consume it in its entirety. 

My time here so far has been consumed with thinking and vacationing. I cannot complain. I will update more in the coming days as my Nashville adventure gets started. 

May 9-10 Domestic Goddess/Camper

This weekend I was quite domestic. I mowed the lawn, did laundry, cleaned the kitchen and bathroom, and set up a tent. Once my tent was all set up in the beautiful sunshine and breezy spring, I got started getting that bad boy ready for the big camp. I pulled my handy, dandy shop vac for car cleaning and got to business getting all the dirt out of that tent. 

I actually exclaimed out loud in anger that Ferdiand let a dog in our tent! A dog! There was hair all over the place and I had to vacuum much more than I anticipated. Once the tent was all clean and ready to go-I air out the sleeping bags and got ready for a night under the partly cloudy sky. I popped over the the good old grocery store to get even more domestic by making dinner on the grill. 

I spent the night out in the tent and the only way I can describe it is that I must have been in Kansas as Dorthy was being cycloned. My tent was blowing this way and that-and of course, nature called. Thank goodness my house was just a few steps away. Being inside in the peace and quiet was enough to convince me to crawl into bed. And none too soon, it apparently started to rain into the dry, aired out tent that was ready to pack. So the next morning I had to clean the tent again and dry it out so it was packable. 

Long story short-my tent is campsite ready. And I had enough domesticity to last the rest of the year. Cereal for dinner for this kid from now on. And don't think for a minute I am going to clean anything until June.

May 8- Welcome Back

Today I learned that the theme song from Welcome Back Kotter was the number one pop single on this day in History in 1976. How many of you have seen any of that show? I am a bit too young to have watched in while it was in its original run, but I have been able to see all of the episodes now that I am the ripe old age of 25. 

I love TV shows from before my time. When I was growing up I shared a room with my brother Adam at my Dad's house, we had a little loft for a while at Sibley Road. Nick at Nite was my favorite channel, but my brother was less than excited for the black and white shows like the Donna Reed Show, The Patty Duke Show, Mary Tyler Moore, Dick Van Dyke or charaters like Dobie Gillis and Maynard. Adam hated when I had the remote. I hated that Adam talked in his sleep and made other various noises. Come to think of it, I must have had trouble falling asleep even back then! I remember being awake for hours after everyone else was asleep and I could hear Adam making noises in his sleep, or talking about breakfast cereal. I would keep a small pile of clothes next to my bed- perfect for throwing at Adam when he started to make noise. I would be so angry that he made me compromise and watch something other than Nick and Nite that I would throw the button of his jeans right at his face. 

I know, I know that is not very nice. I am fairly confident that I was not very nice to my brother the entirety of our childhoods- I remember having to share EVERYTHING with him-and in natural sibling ways that made me want to scratch at him and throw things at him while slept. I'd like to take this moment to publicly apologize to my first friend and enemy, Adam. Deep down inside I really do like you little brother!

Since I am making public annoucements, I would also like to thank Mary Richards, our title character from the Mary Tyler Moore Show, for helping to create the strong woman I am today. She was a single, career woman in the Twin Cities hghlighting the challenges that women face in the world. She also inspiried my favorite room decoration- a big letter J on my wall. I feel a kindred spirit with Mary, she and I are going to make it after all. 

May7-Thankful for my nose

I am so thankful that I do not suffer from allergies. The air smells so fantastic on days like this! Pollen is covering my desk and all surfaces in my office right now. Having all the windows open and the breeze fly in really makes a difference in my day. I actually left work without a headache today. Sunshine really changes my outlook on a day. 

I cannot wait until tomorrow when I walk to work and check to see if the lilacs have bloomed yet. I want to see the tulips opening in between the two houses at the end of my street. And at the end of the day when the breeze is warm, the walk home is so relaxing. I forgot what those extra few minuntes in the commute do to the brain. I am more relaxed when I walk in the door, I feel more creative when I find something to make for dinner. I did not have cereal tonight! 

I also stopped by the public library tonight and I got some gems to try out for RHD training. Stay tuned for my thoughts on those books!

May 6-David Attenborough

What is it with nature? Why are shows about wildebeest (which according to Wikipedia is also a gnu?!) just so relaxing as I try to end a busy day? Is it because they do not blink? Is it because I am rooting for the young and the sick to make it across the river but I am also glad that the lions, crocs, and gators get to eat? 

When I was a kid I hated boring shows about animals. I would use that annoying voice kids use when they are exasperated and want something RIGHT NOW. I would demand something else be put on TV. Now when I get the chance to watch/listen to anything that NatGeo or the BBC puts out there I jump on it. This is another area where Netflix has changed my life, I can fall asleep listening to David Attenborough any day I want thanks to them carrying a large variety of animal shows. 

Some days you feel like you are looking up hill-nothing is going the way you want and all you need is a good hug. I often struggle with finding the balance in day-it seems when one part is looking up, another is heading down. But today, like other days. I forced myself to remember that pesky perspective. I am lucky to be healthy and gainfully employed. I am lucky to be able to eat until I am full, drink clean water, and live in a safe place where I do not fear danger or war. 

When I click that circled arrow I can listen to all the David Attenborough I want. All of that makes me pretty rich, pretty darn rich.

May 5-Working on the Railroad

I used to hate working late. I hated having more and more things to do and now that I have been in the field for 11 years, I almost enjoy it sometimes. Today I was able to get some high quality me time in while finishing a couple projects that needed just a bit more time. 

The weather was gloomy today too and I knew that would make for the best day to stay under the mighty florescent lights. It reminded me tonight too about how when I was a Hall Director and it would be 11 or midnight and I would be finishing things in August or May when the students were not living in the halls. It was quiet, I had tons of things to complete, and no one interrupts you as you finish all the projects. 

I would be misrepresenting the truth if I said I did not miss working like that in the halls. I do not have empty rooms to check or an office to organize knowing that I will be either ending or starting a school year. Now all I get is the paperwork! 

Look back at this flashback from when I started- this was one of my first trips in a College van. Nowadays you will be hard pressed to find me not in control...er...I mean the driver's seat. I miss that shirt. 

Well tomorrow is a big day- Loft Collection! There are also some interesting meetings and the start of compiling all our student conduct to prepare for end of the year reporting. May is dwindling down. 

May 2-4

Oops- I have already broken my own deal. But I cannot tell you how happy sunshine makes me! This past weekend was gorgeous! Sunshine makes such a big difference in my mood. Just like other people, a bright sunny day changes my whole outlook, but it is hard to remember that in the world of winter that is the Midwest. We had an outdoor concert on campus which means some quality time with my staff. We wanted to watch the first Avengers but settled for the Hunger Games and lots of eye rolling at what the college kids think is "cool" now a days. 

For the record- I wish that all outdoor concerts were hits from the 80s and 90s. That is the best kind of live music I think. 

Today I spent all day until about 7pm outside. Such joy. Then I installed some blinds in my living room, made a quick dinner and paid some bills. I wish this post were thought provoking or interesting. But it is not. I am ready for bed. So more interesting things coming in the following days. :)

May 1- breakfast

Today is the start of my everyday blog challenge. It is the time of year where college campuses get warm, spring time sets in, outdoor events start, and everyone wants to grill and drink beer. Well that last part is what sometimes gets in the way of us ResLife folks enjoying that sunshine as much. 

When you through in a large, free concert then things get really exciting. So before I have a full day of that tomorrow- I am going to try and make this homemade bread, egg and cheese thing. I love bread, eggs and I bought cheese that is delicious. Yum yum yum. A hearty breakfast for my first full day outside with sunblock to boot!