May 23

As I did not do so well posting each day this month, I will post about the 23rd. Friday the 22nd was eventful in getting students checked into their summer housing assignment and getting things ready to leave for a week. So once Saturday rolled around I was ready for a whole lot of nothing. After I packed the car and the cooler for the camping trip, I got on the road for my 8 hour trip to the Mitten. 

Eight hours in the car is a lot of hours to think. I am an overthinker by nature so eight hours alone with myself is the time to put that overthinking into overdrive. When you read that can you please put the emphasis on the "over" parts of those words? Because as the author, that is how I intended it. 

I spent some time thinking about how different my life is three years later. Three years after the accident that changed the course of my future, changed things that the planner in me planned out for the next 15 or 20 years. Changing those plans before they even happen is hard! In the past year I have been told by my counselor that I am "ok" and that maybe regular appointments are not necessary anymore. That was quite the blow. How does one determine that they are ok? Is there a grief meter that gives one the a-ok to start living "pre-accident?" The short answer: No. There is no going back to pre-anything. There is just the now and everything before does and should affect the now. 

There is one thing I know for sure, and that is that I will never be the same. I think differently now, I feel differently, I even love differently. I thought that I would never fall in love again, I would never have that feeling where one is completely vulnerable to another person. I did not expect to try so hard to find that feeling either. I craved it. I learned I craved touch. I wanted hugs, kisses, foot massages, eskimo kisses (I am sure that is offensive but I cannot think of a PC way to describe it), you know, that intimacy stuff. I opened the door to other companions, I tried to open myself to others. I fell in love once in there. I fell hard too. I went in whole hog and really enjoyed it. For the first time (well since that other first time) I could picture myself old and gray with someone else. Someone else's happiness was just as important as mine, for the sake of this post let's call him Biff. Well wouldn't you know, that was not without challenge and that experience had so many emotional roller coasters. I have not ended that journey. Biff is not in the co-captain chair on this crazy ride with me. But I sure did learn a lot about myself with Biff. I learned not to give up on that love stuff. It might happen for me again, it might happen in a way that knocks my socks off again. Scratch that, it will happen again, I just have to be open to the possibility. Shit, it could happen with Biff, or Tom, Dick, or Harry. 

I wish I had a wordle or word cloud of all the words I have used in this blog. I think PERSPECTIVE  would be the biggest word in my cloud (or STAFF as I am often really proud of those buggers). I feel like my mind has been opened and my eyes have been shocked to see things in a totally different way. I choose to be happy. And that is h.a.r.d. For real that is hard. Every morning I have to make the choice to be happy, and choose my attitude to start my day (thanks to the Fish Philosophy). Some days it does not work. Some days I want to sleep until the day has passed and try again. Some days I let myself do that, some days I fake it. Some days I am truly happy. Three years later and I still don't think "time makes things better" or "you'll see him again someday." Three years later things are just different. I still think of him every day. I still wish he were here. I still spend the first couple seconds of consciousness thinking that it was all a nightmare and he will be right next to me. But now I stop and force myself to think of the things that make me happy and I spend my day focusing on things that make me happy. I recite that mantra I tend to use quite often: I am thankful to be gainfuly employed, I have health insurance in case I get sick. I know my car will start and there is food in my kitchen. I have clean water and hot water. I live in a country where some civil rights are guaranteed. My house has heat and I have the love and support of other humans should I reach out and grab it. I am very lucky. I have to make the choice, but I do choose to be happy.